My one year anniversary of getting diagnosed with gastroparesis happened on May 12th. 1 year of knowing what was plaguing my body. Leading up to this day I was worried I would be a total wreck emotionally. 3 days earlier on May 9, I had a huge exam that had been causing stress for me and my classmates for a while. Having May 12th looming over my head didn’t help in the slightest. It really started to get to me. Thinking about how much worse off I was, how I may keep getting worse, and not knowing the future. The GP diagnosis blindsided me completely and was a lot to think about. Especially as so many fears had poured into my head that night after the diagnosis. In the midst of all of this near the anniversary, I got this text from my friend:
“I think you have had a lot of wins, and it is best to focus on those instead of the troubling things that have come up.”
It is beyond simple to let the wins slip through the cracks when day in and day out you are stressed, nauseous, in pain, and tired. We can get stuck in the monotony and negatives of dealing with this. When you are in the trenches of living with a chronic illness you can live day to day waiting for things to ease up a little. It is easy to focus about how things might get worse or worry about what your condition will be like in a few years and how that could ruin your life. I know I get stuck in that occasionally, especially with flare ups. But you have to look back and find your victories, notice your conquered mountains, look to all the moments of sunlight and joy, and just simply celebrate the wins. For me one of the big things was having survived my first year of PT school when it seemed like body was working against me and trying to derail the plan. I have many amazing things set up for the next year. I graduated college a few weeks ago. And even beyond the big things, I had tiny wins that were worth celebrating too. Like enjoying a night out with friends even though I couldn’t eat.
Find the little things, find the big things, write them down, and keep a list. On days where it gets hard or scary, look at that list and remind yourself the amount of times you have won. Remind yourself that deep inside is a superhero fighting and winning on a daily basis. Chronic illness can’t stop you from finding those wins. They are much more joyful and a better focus than the negatives of dealing with a malfunctioning body.
Choose your favorite win and the next time you don’t think you can do it, remind yourself you can. You’ve done it before and will do it again. Plans change and life causes things to turn upside but that will never change how much you have already done and will continue to do. Remember, focus on your wins and celebrate them!