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Land of the Undiagnosed

Living in the land of undiagnosed is not a glamorous lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination. If the land of undiagnosed were a physical place it would be a gigantic swamp with some quicksand mixed in. Around it would be surrounded by sunny skies and beautiful rolling hills. But you have to pass through the swamp to get there first. In school one of my professors mentioned that it is a 50/50 thing whether having a diagnosis helps someone emotionally. I fully believe it does. When you are living with enormous amounts of uncertainty and have no freaking clue where your illness is taking you or what it even is called, it begins to wear on you. You sit there staring at your multiple pill bottles crying because it is a lot to handle and all of this isn’t even working for a concrete illness. It is hard to sit there and remember that in the next day you are starting to make the next step on the journey to figuring out a diagnosis. But at the same time being resistant to that process because you cannot stand the idea of a diagnosis that is going to pull me away from becoming a PT.

Right now it feels like a lot of life is upside down. A lot of diagnoses are changing, my symptoms are changing, and in school it is the time of year to start choosing which clinical sites we want for our 6 month clinical. It is hard to be in this phase of life where literally everything comes with a degree of uncertainty. And school never in a million years will slow down to give you a minute to rest and take a break because that isn’t how it is supposed to go. We are all supposed to push non-stop, but there comes a point where you push too hard. And with grad school that point is easy to get to, more so with a chronic illness. I am so frustrated and scared because I just want to have answers and know what I can do to feel better instead of feeling helpless. Feeling helpless sucks and is such a hard feeling.  The feeling of not having control over your health in some ways, which in turn takes away some control from life, and you just want control. So you do what you can to feel like you are in control in some way even though you really aren’t. It is a hard thing to deal with and it isn’t a journey for everyone. And while everyone who is struggling right now I believe is stronger than the average individual, it is because of necessity and not because of some magic skills we possess to be stronger than the average person. Dealing with being undiagnosed and with the uncertainty of chronic illness causes a toughness unique to the situation because you can’t just stop functioning. And so you just keep pushing because it is the only thing you can do. And you fight until you get out of the land of undiagnosed.

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