One of the lectures I had last week was on perceptions of people with illnesses. In regard to chronic illness the powerpoint stated that in that population there is future related anxiety. Now considering I am someone with a chronic illness I really relate to this.
Today is one of the days where my “future related anxiety” is off the charts.
It also happens to be a day where one year ago I realized I was about to find out if the nausea was a side effect will possibility of a fluke or something stupid being the cause. Spoiler alert it wasn’t a side effect or a fluke. But days like today always get my head spinning in the direction I probably shouldn’t have it spinning. Looking back to a year ago my symptoms were nothing compared to what they are now. I wish I could go back and relive that because as hard as it was at the time it was a piece of cake compared to everything now. Life was easier, school was easier, and I was blissfully unaware. Now I am totally aware what the three options are with gastroparesis – remission, stability, or disease progression. Unfortunately I fall into the disease progression category. It is frustrating to look back to how it was a year ago when in the moment I am struggling with it so much. Today was a really rough day with lots of symptoms and hard lectures where I was having trouble concentrating because of the pain, nausea, etc. I need a break from my anti-nausea med so I was toughing it out hardcore. But at the end of the day I was so exhausted and the emotions of it all are hitting me. How am I going to get through the day working with multiple patients? How am I going to do research on top of everything else? How much worse will it get? Not being able to be a PT is my worst nightmare. I wish I knew who to talk to right now that could let me know it will be okay no matter what. Someone to tell me how to get through this. Because the anxiety and fear about my future is hitting very hard. I am questioning all my decisions for next year. I don’t know where I will be a year from now and how my health will be. I am pushing through to the end but I worry that I continue to get worse and then make things harder for everyone else. I have so many dreams and goals and I hope I achieve them all. But I know the realities of chronic illness and how unpredictable it is. But I’m continuing to fight and push through like always.